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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Dance In A Relationship Of Respect


I constantly attracted a certain type of experience with men and women in my life, where I felt bullied or disrespected and left feeling not good about myself. I would feel anger in their breath and suddenly I couldn't speak. I would become inauthentic and would eventually feel myself in fear and "walking on eggshells," until I had had enough! I would leave the relationship physically or emotionally by shutting down, usually with judgment and blame...saying to myself, "What more can I give to this person? They're never happy, nothing is ever good enough...they are so angry and controlling." I would be exhausted by the relationship, always watching what I said...trying to make them comfortable.

One day a phone call woke me up! It was a friend calling about an outing the next day. I had been experiencing all of the same relationship tensions with her over the years, usually feeling unsafe to be myself. When she was in a good mood, we would have a great time together, and if she wasn't, I sometimes received a tongue-lashing! I am sure she could hear it in my voice as I said, "I have the flu and I am going to bed for the day." Her conversation geared up as she shared what was going on in her life and after ten minutes or so I found an opportunity to interrupt her and say, "I really feel sick and I have to go to bed." This triggered her response as she blew up at me...her anger and emotions came at me so unexpectedly. I took care of me by saying again, "I have to go!"...and I hung up the phone.

I felt my emotions surface...feeling disrespected and hurt...I felt anger at her and myself.

My whole life I experienced relationships with men who would control me for the love that I craved and women whose approval I felt I needed. I thought I could save everyone with the love I had to give. I was so tired of this experience...I wanted to change...what was I doing wrong?...why was I attracting this type of relationship over and over again?

I closed my eyes and I saw all of these men and women whom I had left quietly or blamed openly. Wow, there were many. The emotions that came up in me were overpowering...each person I looked at created the same feelings in me. I remembered how they didn't respect me and I kept quiet, how they manipulated me and I shut down. They controlled my happiness and I allowed them. As I was reviewing these relationships in my mind I felt myself...

Powerless...I cried...I felt my anger...My resentment. They were mean to me! They hurt me!

I screamed out loud...at each one of them...

"I couldn't ever give you enough love."
"It was never good enough."
"You made me feel unsure of myself."
"I hate your anger."

The truth I felt was that I didn't really like them...and I didn't like who I became with them...

I cried and screamed the pain of each relationship. I fell into an exhausted state. I was empty...I started to breathe...and I found my answer...I got it!

Each person I faced during my visualization showed me MY anger. I was able to see how I walked on eggshells because I didn't want to feel MY uncomfortable emotions. I blamed them and made them responsible for my lack of self-worth. They reflected the anger and void of love that was also in me.

I took responsibility...
I owned my anger! It was in me too.
I forgave each person and my heart became open...I felt the freedom in me.

I created a life tool that helps me take care of my unhealthy emotions so that I can be more authentic and attractive, from the inside out, I call it "The Inner Workout." This inner support system strengthens my self-worth muscle.

The next day I visited with my friend and shared my experience. With a gentle and clear voice I said, "I want to be in relationship differently with you now. We continued our friendship for a few more years and it felt much better, although eventually I had to end it after the pattern repeated itself and I was disrespected a few too many times. I had to respect myself enough to leave.

In the past, when I felt my voice was disrespected and boundaries were crossed, I would stop speaking. Self-protection and silence can be a safe place for a while, but only until we can find the courage to stand up for ourselves.

Do you yell at your kids or loved ones? Are you bullied? The common thread is anger. Projected or suppressed anger is so toxic and will destroy love causing separation or illness.

I realize that I can't change anyone, however, this life tool created such a profound shift in me and this change in me inspired others to shift themselves...transforming all of my relationships.

I released my own barriers of anger and resentment so that I could live with an open heart. When I found the opening in me, I felt safe to be all that I am with my loved ones. The voice of beloved love is the intimacy that deepens me in relationship. We all desire safe love to share with another...I attracted my loving husband Bruce who shares the same inner connection. We make the choice to love, honor and listen to each other, inspiring our children, family and friends. many people have told me how they experience Bruce and I together. We are no different at home or out with others. Our rhythm reflects a gentle adoring communication.

Together we Dance in a Relationship of Respect.

Colleen Hoffman Smith

Colleen is an author, inspirational guide, facilitator and relationship expert.